The other night, my wife and I went to the mall to grab a bite, wander around, and get out of the 112-degree Phoenix heat. Little did I know that our pleasant evening would end up being an extravaganza of male discrimination. There is a war on men in this country, and until we rise up and break through these glass ceilings, we will never overcome the matriarchal oppression that comes with female privilege.
I wanted to stop by a particular clothing store, but upon approaching the entrance, a large sign out front read “60% off—women’s styles only.” The “only” seemed to glare at me condescendingly, much the way I can imagine signs from 60 years ago read “whites only,” like I was less than human or undeserving of discounted prices because of my biology. I was born this way! While the store may have felt it was innocent in its signage, this was a microaggression I found very disturbing. The only thing to be done is to post a trigger warning on sales events so as not to offend those of us not part of such a protected class of shoppers.
My wife had a coupon for a free something or other at Bath and Body Works, so we entered that carnival of aromas and looked for what we were allowed to purchase. Standing in front of the applicable items, my wife asked if they made a men’s version of the travel-size body wash she had her eye on. However, the sales clerk told us that “they don’t make them for men.” The implication that men don’t travel and are expected to just sit at home and use standard bottles of soap is insulting. I wondered if I could have the employee fired for hate speech. I couldn’t believe that all the other items for women—lotions, body sprays, shower gels—did have equivalent items for men. But not the travel-size products. Female privilege in the form of luxurious scents was too much to bear. I had to get out of there, and I am planning a public boycott of the store immediately.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse—my ability to be clothed and hygienic had already been ruthlessly subverted and was damaging my psyche—I saw a sign for a nearby restaurant. The advertisement stated, in big red letters, “Ladies Night—Drinks 1¢.” One penny! I was stunned. Such blatant discrimination in charging different groups of people different prices has no place in the fight for equality. Men should not be forced to pay full price for something that should be provided for us at a fair price by the restaurant (and subsidized by the government, preferably). This is a clear attack on men’s drinking rights, and Congress needs to intervene to promote tolerance and booze justice.
I was so distraught that I told my wife we had to leave the mall at once. I couldn’t take such institutional sexism any longer.
But I couldn’t escape it. When I got home and flipped on the TV, I quickly saw Volkswagen commercials (like this, this, this, and this) in which men are treated like pieces of meat, ogled over by preying women who are allowed to sexually harass men with no consequence. One has to wonder what would happen if three dirty old men made lewd comments toward an attractive woman, talking about “warm buns” and needing “mouth to mouth.” I can never look at purchasing a car the same way again. Too abundant is the sexualization from the aggressive female gaze.
This all came on the heels of reading an article earlier that day by a highly respected economist which described how men are killed by sharks nine times more often than women. And men are killed by lightning strikes six times more often than women. When marine wildlife and Zeus himself are so bigoted, what hope do we have?
This misandrist culture has caused me great emotional stress and a decrease in confidence, not to mention loss of self-esteem and even depression. It’s no wonder women go to college more, while men commit suicide more. American men have been second-class citizens and victims of rampant discrimination for too long. And our enslavement to holding doors, paying for dinners, and begging on our knees during marriage proposals—like lowly peasants!—must stop now. We must never give up the fight for fairness, and we are the ones we’ve been waiting for to dismantle the chains of matriarchal oppression, feminine privilege, and systemic gender inequity.
#MaleLivesMatter.
(P.S.—While this piece is silly satire, these flashy buzzwords and flaws in logic are prevalent on campuses today, and in English classrooms in particular. While I don't intend to diminish legitimate social concerns, we must be on the lookout for when people go overboard with promoting grievance. If any of your teachers talk like this in your class, your ears should perk up and you shouldn't be afraid to examine all sides of any issue. Every person will at some time in life enjoy cultural benefits and at other times feel cultural pains. No one is immune from either side; it’s how we handle this eternal truth that develops our maturity and increases our wisdom. And it’s always a good idea to focus on what we can do, rather than dwell on what others believe we can’t. Keep that in mind this school year. P.P.S.—I still have no idea what a hashtag is. Have a great weekend.)
I wanted to stop by a particular clothing store, but upon approaching the entrance, a large sign out front read “60% off—women’s styles only.” The “only” seemed to glare at me condescendingly, much the way I can imagine signs from 60 years ago read “whites only,” like I was less than human or undeserving of discounted prices because of my biology. I was born this way! While the store may have felt it was innocent in its signage, this was a microaggression I found very disturbing. The only thing to be done is to post a trigger warning on sales events so as not to offend those of us not part of such a protected class of shoppers.
My wife had a coupon for a free something or other at Bath and Body Works, so we entered that carnival of aromas and looked for what we were allowed to purchase. Standing in front of the applicable items, my wife asked if they made a men’s version of the travel-size body wash she had her eye on. However, the sales clerk told us that “they don’t make them for men.” The implication that men don’t travel and are expected to just sit at home and use standard bottles of soap is insulting. I wondered if I could have the employee fired for hate speech. I couldn’t believe that all the other items for women—lotions, body sprays, shower gels—did have equivalent items for men. But not the travel-size products. Female privilege in the form of luxurious scents was too much to bear. I had to get out of there, and I am planning a public boycott of the store immediately.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse—my ability to be clothed and hygienic had already been ruthlessly subverted and was damaging my psyche—I saw a sign for a nearby restaurant. The advertisement stated, in big red letters, “Ladies Night—Drinks 1¢.” One penny! I was stunned. Such blatant discrimination in charging different groups of people different prices has no place in the fight for equality. Men should not be forced to pay full price for something that should be provided for us at a fair price by the restaurant (and subsidized by the government, preferably). This is a clear attack on men’s drinking rights, and Congress needs to intervene to promote tolerance and booze justice.
I was so distraught that I told my wife we had to leave the mall at once. I couldn’t take such institutional sexism any longer.
But I couldn’t escape it. When I got home and flipped on the TV, I quickly saw Volkswagen commercials (like this, this, this, and this) in which men are treated like pieces of meat, ogled over by preying women who are allowed to sexually harass men with no consequence. One has to wonder what would happen if three dirty old men made lewd comments toward an attractive woman, talking about “warm buns” and needing “mouth to mouth.” I can never look at purchasing a car the same way again. Too abundant is the sexualization from the aggressive female gaze.
This all came on the heels of reading an article earlier that day by a highly respected economist which described how men are killed by sharks nine times more often than women. And men are killed by lightning strikes six times more often than women. When marine wildlife and Zeus himself are so bigoted, what hope do we have?
This misandrist culture has caused me great emotional stress and a decrease in confidence, not to mention loss of self-esteem and even depression. It’s no wonder women go to college more, while men commit suicide more. American men have been second-class citizens and victims of rampant discrimination for too long. And our enslavement to holding doors, paying for dinners, and begging on our knees during marriage proposals—like lowly peasants!—must stop now. We must never give up the fight for fairness, and we are the ones we’ve been waiting for to dismantle the chains of matriarchal oppression, feminine privilege, and systemic gender inequity.
#MaleLivesMatter.
(P.S.—While this piece is silly satire, these flashy buzzwords and flaws in logic are prevalent on campuses today, and in English classrooms in particular. While I don't intend to diminish legitimate social concerns, we must be on the lookout for when people go overboard with promoting grievance. If any of your teachers talk like this in your class, your ears should perk up and you shouldn't be afraid to examine all sides of any issue. Every person will at some time in life enjoy cultural benefits and at other times feel cultural pains. No one is immune from either side; it’s how we handle this eternal truth that develops our maturity and increases our wisdom. And it’s always a good idea to focus on what we can do, rather than dwell on what others believe we can’t. Keep that in mind this school year. P.P.S.—I still have no idea what a hashtag is. Have a great weekend.)